Friday, June 26, 2009

裸足のベン

I had the pleasure of seeing Loma Prieta and Punch last Friday in Koiwa. To be honest, I havent had the chance to see much live music since I've been here. It's incredibly expensive, and I'm quite busy all the time.

Although, yesterday I ended up losing myself in the midst of it all.

Maybe its life in Tokyo, with all it's unwritten social expectations, or maybe just that I've been going full speed everyday for the past few months here. But when I got to watch those bands play, everything fell into place. I had shivers down my spine during their performances. Maybe I feel at home in those small, dark venues in corners of the city... The sweating, screaming, and forgetting about the condition of their equipment while guitars, mics, drums, oscillators, and synthesizers are being flung about. When Keith from Punch told everybody to run up onstage for their last song, I ended up there without a second thought. I must've been screaming too, considering how bad my throat hurt at the end of their set. I haven't totally completely lost myself in live music like that since I was probably 15. But it felt really good.

I think about what I've been doing here since the beginning of spring term. I feel like I successfully assimilated into University life. It satisfying in different ways. People wave to me on campus, I can hang out with friends in the 部室(I've been spending quite a bit of time losing at PuyoPuyo and Street Fighter 2 Turbo the past few weeks), and I always seem to have something to do. I feel like my presence means something here. My Japanese has improved, I think... but that's not the point really. I'm just grateful to have made friends with so many great people.

At the same time though, it feels constricting. People ask if I'm going on a certain summer trip or if I'll be participating in such and such event. I'm often asked 'how do you make the time, doing boxing, music and film club?' and maybe it feels a little invasive. Although, I'm sure no harm is intended, maybe I'm just not used to other people being so keen on my personal life. I sometimes worry if I'll offend someone by not prioritizing the club I'm in with them over other things I do. It's very strange when I say I need to go home to America instead of a summer retreat and they say "Oh well, that's important so I understand." I wonder, what if I weren't doing something important? What's their opinion on that matter? In America, I wasn't so consciously worried about other people's opinions of me. But it seems like the way things work here, I'd be better to pay attention to what I say and do because you really cannot do much here without the support of a group. The collective can be supportive, but also restrictive.

Don't get me wrong though, the negatives are in no means outweighing the positive. I always find the thought entering my head multiple times a day "Man, I do not want to go home yet."

Today, all the doors opened up for me. My transfer application was officially accepted. Despite not knowing all the details at the moment I'm flying on the fact that I simply have been given a chance. I think Tolstoy said something like chance was more important than genius. I don't know exactly how things will play from here on out, but I do intend to grasp this opportunity with all the vigor and intensity required to make up for my lack of genius. I do not want to feel the same sort of disappointment and self loathing I felt when I gave up before on something I really wanted.

I feel blessed. By the people around me who support me and want me to stay, the chances I've been given here, and the energy I have to continue working towards this simple dream that I have right now. I want to work hard, because I know I can be happier here than anywhere else right now.

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